I haven’t hosted anything at my place in a while. Like, a long time. Two years ago, I had two friends over for a very low-key New Year’s Eve. (Side note: I hate New Year’s Eve.) Since then… A friend or two, here and there. The grandparents all came over and had a lot of dessert. You know — the usual.

BUT, it’s on my list of short-term goals to host a themed party. Parties are so hard. There’s all this planning, and then you never know who’s actually going to show up, because don’t act like you’ve never clicked “Attending” on a Facebook invite and then changed it and wrote some lame comment about, “Oh, something came up, I’m totally SO BUMMED” on the day of the party. You know you have. We ALL have. And you always forget how aggravating it is until you’re the host. And then, suddenly, it’s rude! and disrespectful! and unforgivable! (Which… It kinda is, anyway, right?)

So. Parties. And I mean. I’m an introvert. Big groups kind of make me twitch. But — it’s on the list. I have to do it. By March. Hear that sound? That’s the clock ticking. Also, DEATH IS COMING. …Yeah. I totally link those. Clocks suck.

Anyhow, I decided to put my big-girl panties on and have a Valentine’s Day party for some of my favorite girls. (I see you rolling your eyes at me.) (Yes I do.) (YES I DO.) (Also, I’ve explained my feelings on this holiday here.)

I gathered email addresses and wrote a letter preparing my potential guests, and then I created an online invitation. LEAVE NO STONE UNTURNED, I say. So far, everyone who’s seen the invite has RSVP’d “yes.” Several are pretty excited. Already.

And since I’m obviously now a pro at the invitation process, let me show you, friends, how it’s done.

Ahem…

Hi, ladies.

So, as promised, here’s your invitation — to a party. With cupcakes and wine. Valentine’s Day-style. (Seriously, I can hear you groaning from here. Keep it down, woman.)

Anyway, there are several reasons why I am determined to make this evening happen, and why I will haunt you until you agree to attend:
1. There will be CUPCAKES. And WINE. Like… What’s bad about that?? Come on.
2. I have a list of 28 goals to complete before I turn 29. Hosting a themed party is one of them. My birthday is in March. I’m in a time-crunch, friends. Help a girl out.
3. I very recently broke up with my boyfriend, and I refuse to let Valentine’s Day remind me of that. (Didn’t know? Want to hear that story? See you on the 11th!)
4. Most importantly, I love you all, and I miss you all, and we don’t spend enough time together anymore. Let’s fix that. With alcohol. Oh, and CUPCAKES.

It goes on from there and includes such gems as:

So find a babysitter for your children or your boyfriend…

and…

Also, no cancelling the day-of, Facebook generation! (Be honest, we totally all do it.)

Use these techniques, ladies, and you will be POPULAR. And have ATTENDANCE at your PARTIES. …At least until the day-of, when everyone sends you a text message that says, “Oh, I”m totally SO BUMMED…”

Threats and guilt only really get you so far.