Reading: An Episode of Sparrows by Rumer Godden
Watching: Ballykissangel, Series 3
Listening to: Joe Purdy & Joshua James
Excited about: My birthday trip to the Poconos with the fam!
Loving: This new-found gorgeous New England weather. Be full-time now, Spring!
Haunting: Polyvore, because playing with new clothes is the next best thing to actually buying new clothes.
on flowers, briefly
I left these (now somewhat sorry-looking) flowers on my desk at work before I left for the Thanksgiving break last week, and even though they’ve definitely wilted, it still made me pretty happy to see them there, all lined up and… yellow, when I got back today.
It felt like something a little whimsical, a little bit light — something like the person I used to be, the person I’ve been missing a whole lot lately.
So here’s to flowers. And gluing quarters to the floor (hello, high school). And writing lyrics on napkins and leaving them behind. Here’s to joy and smiles and creativity.
Here’s to a new year and a fresh start, right around the corner.
that one thing i look forward to every single week
About two months ago, I started horseback riding again.
…And when I say “again,” I feel like that’s sort of misleading, because it might imply some sort of earlier proficiency. Which, I assure you, I have never had. I mean, when I was 10 or 11, I took lessons for a few months. I have this one really great memory of the largest bruise ever, deep purple and blue, crawling up my calf. I think my leg was rubbing up against one of the buckles on the saddle. I thought it was pretty cool. Other than that, I don’t remember much… Most of all, I just remember how much I looked forward to going.
So over the summer, I started watching this Canadian show called Heartland. At the time, I was mired in episodes of SVU and Breaking Bad, so at first, the Pleasant Family Drama aspect seemed pretty boring. But I kept watching, because something was tugging at me. And I ended up falling in love with this fabulous little television show.
I won’t even get into the cheesiness about how I’m pretty sure finding and falling for this show was some weird manifestation of my big summertime Change of Heart (I always hear eerie music when I write that), but one of the things it absolutely inspired me to do was start looking into riding stables again. I have always loved and admired horses (what little girl doesn’t?), and I knew that if I was starting grad school, I was going to have to start doing something to de-stress and stay human.
The stable that I found is wonderful… The family has a background in social work (woohoo!) and they are just super-sweet people. There are 18 lesson horses, who are all lovely and happy and playful. The horse that I ride most often, Sandman, is 32 years old, blind in one eye and completely great. He is teaching me well. The horse pictured up top is the huge and stubborn Apple. I like him a whole lot, too.
Getting to spend an hour every week with these animals, on this farm, is the thing I look forward to most. No matter what else is happening, what I’m worrying about, I always leave my lesson feeling calm and inspired — even when my legs feel like Jell-o, which (no lie) they usually do. My dismount is godawful.
The decision to leave school was really difficult, but I’m learning that I need to spend a lot more time chasing the joyful moments in life. And who wouldn’t be joyful around faces like those..??
(And yes, I’m totally cheating and using Instagram photos!)
30 Days of Truth | Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for
Oh goodness, it’s been forever since I’ve been here. I’ve got excuses and reasons, and OH WORDPRESS, I’ve been cheating on you. Just a little bit. With another service that I’ve just known longer, baby, please understand!
Anyway, I’m sure those excuses and reasons will be terribly interesting in another post (or not), but for right now, I’m going to trudge along with the 30 Days of Truth prompts. …Which have turned into something more akin to the thirty weeks of truth, let’s be honest.
So.
Something you have to forgive someone for.
This is another tricky one. (Why are they all tricky?? It it just me?! IT IS, ISN’T IT??) I’ve got a few things I could choose, here, but the only real, true example I’ve got is a liiiiiittle too personal for the Internets. Sorry, dudes. So for the sake of this prompt, I’m going to take a slightly different approach:
Something you have to forgive someone for… but probably won’t, because at this point in your life, it just doesn’t really matter anymore.
…Wordy, but suitable.
My answer to this question involves a long friendship that ended relatively recently. I really trusted this girl… She was someone who understood my sky-high levels of loyalty, all of my silly personality quirks and seemed stable and conscientious and honest. And then, all of a sudden — she wasn’t. Suddenly, and over a period of about a year, she became deceitful. Hurtful. When I approached her with my gut feelings and had questions for her, she not only lied to me, but she blamed me; she made me feel terribly for suspecting her of betrayal and gave me an earful about everything she was “going through.” I felt like a heel. I beat myself up for months for being so awful and juvenile and suspicious. And after all that — I found out that I had been right all along. When I distanced myself from her, she never, ever reached out. There was no final conversation, no big blow-out. I simply gave brief, polite responses to her text messages and maybe wasn’t quite as effusive the few times I saw her in person after I’d had my suspicions confirmed.
She never even asked what was wrong. She let the friendship go, just like that.
I guess I feel like I don’t necessarily need to “forgive her,” because her presence in my life just doesn’t feel so very important right now. I had fought to keep the friendship alive for months, and I had been so hard on myself… And then, when it ended, I found that I just didn’t miss it all that much. It stunk, but… that’s all. I didn’t miss her. I realized that I had always put more effort into seeing her, staying in touch, being there than she ever did in return.
And I realized that maybe her understanding of my loyalties toward friends wasn’t exactly the same as appreciating it, or validating it. And maybe that’s why the end of this friendship felt like more of a relief than anything else: it made me look at myself as a friend, look at what I always expected myself to give in a friendship and, truthfully, what I never dared to hope I’d receive in return.
So I’ve begun to lower my expectations, and I’ve begun to put myself first in a lot of ways. …Hopefully not in any particularly selfish ways, mind you, but I’ve begun to reassess what’s healthy and what I do or don’t need to do to be a good friend. I’m still working all of that out, and I’m still learning and course-correcting, but I’m feeling better about it, overall.
And without her, I’m feeling free — free of guilt, free of judgment, and free of that terrible, acidic pall that fell over that friendship and over my life and my ability to trust for the better part of a year.
And don’t you worry, I’m completely fine, fine, fine
*Again, lyrics from The Jane Austen Argument. So perfect for a rainy day.
There is something infinitely lovely about wearing flip flops on a rainy day… The water over your toes, the feeling of walking on a warm, Springtime puddle. …And then, of course, there comes the moment when your feet get cold and you wish you had thought to wear galoshes, instead, but — just hold onto that initial loveliness, friends. ; )
Today is super, super gray and rainy, and there’s no one here in my office but me. I’m feeling generally unmotivated to focus and get anything done, though if I’m being honest — I’m fully enjoying my scattered thoughts and explorations and discoveries today. I’ve got tea, and great music, and such a pretty, bright and unique office… And one of my coworkers just got back from Belgium, so there is a hearty supply of amazing chocolate, to boot:
Actually, there’s never really a lack of chocolate here in this office… Between my Program Manager and my Executive Director, we, as a staff, are well-sugared at any given moment. Staff meetings are truly wonderful ways to spend a Wednesday morning, by the way.
I love food.
Anyway.
I’m having some nostalgia this morning, and feeling this need to pull this month up around me like a blanket and keep it close. June will bring lots of bustling and busy-ness, but it will also bring transition, and quite a few goodbyes. I love this office and these people, and this organization, and I will be sad to bid it all farewell at the end of the month.
And that, I suppose, is precisely what rainy days are good for: thinking, reflecting, and feeling warm.
: )
See, the debt collector’s coming…
Post title brought to you courtesy of The Jane Austen Argument, a lovely band forwarded to me by a friend with fabulous ears and mad music-discovery skills.
Happy Easter… I hope it was sunny with intermittent periods of sparkly rain everywhere, for everyone. I have been home sick today, so I’ve been right beside a window, enjoying it all. 
Today, aside from being a big-time family holiday on my end, is also the last day of my week-long vacation from work. (Works? I work, like, seven jobs. A week off is a big fat miracle.) I’m all reflective and whatnot, thinking about what a lovely week it’s been, the friends I’ve seen and the movies and tv I’ve caught up on. (Shush, I LIVE for fiction, okay?) I even spent an afternoon at Barnes & Noble, wandering through the aisles and touching all of the new hardcovers. Was always my favorite part of working there. But that’s a blog post all of its own. …Possibly a creepy one, if that sentence about touching the books is any indicator. Stay tuned, folks. (??)
…Anyway, I think I’ve had time, today, to realize and think a little bit about how terrible I am at this balancing act. I like my job(s), but there’s really no reason they should be stressing me out as much as they are. I definitely have to shoulder some of that blame — I tend to be a workaholic at the best of times. I tried my little Serenity Project, and that was great, albeit short-lived. I just hope I remember that I feel this way, that I like seeing my friends and not thinking about work or middle-schoolers or classroom management. Or social justice. I can take a break from stressing over that, too, maybe. And, like, drink a beer. (I promise to try and keep it in the bottle, though, this time, when I’m not consuming it. So sorry, friends. I’m clumsy. So sorry.)
It’s starting to get dark, and since my cat broke my lamp…
…Yeah. That one.
So it’s getting dark, and I can’t see. Happy happy Easter, or happy Sunday, or whatever you’d prefer. I’m going to weep softly for my fading vacation. WOO. Go, Team.