Reading: An Episode of Sparrows by Rumer Godden
Watching: Ballykissangel, Series 3
Listening to: Joe Purdy & Joshua James
Excited about: My birthday trip to the Poconos with the fam!
Loving: This new-found gorgeous New England weather. Be full-time now, Spring!
Haunting: Polyvore, because playing with new clothes is the next best thing to actually buying new clothes.
30 Days of Truth | Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life
So this week, I dropped out of grad school.
…Yeah. Hitting those milestones, friends. Hitting those milestones.
I guess the topic for today’s 30 Days of Truth response is fitting, though. My decision to leave school has so much to do with the hopes I have for myself. For my life, really, as huge and scary and intimidating as that sounds.
I was never the kid who wanted to be older, who was anxious to hit 13 so that I could start wearing make-up or 16 so that I could start driving. Even 21 didn’t sound exciting — it sound terrifying. I liked being a kid. When I turned 7, I cried because I would never be 6 again. (I was a weirdo.) (I’m still a weirdo, let’s be honest.) (Whatever. I think I’m sweet.) (Hmph.)
Anyway, as a result of all of this, I was never really any good at visualizing the future. And I think this had repercussions, because I never really set any tangible goals for myself. I never pictured myself married or actively in a career. I never pictured myself as a mom. Though somewhere, I knew I wanted those things, I just sort of figured that they’d happen eventually. Organically. And I’m not at all saying that in order to have a career or get married or have kids you’ve got to sit down and write a list of requestedattributespleaseandthankyou, but I do think that, for me, that lack of visualizing had to do with a refusal to acknowledge that I really wanted those things. Because what if I failed? How would that look? How would I feel, knowing I had put myself out there, and I hadn’t gotten those things?
But I’ve had that experience anyway, right? I mean… I’ve had relationships that haven’t worked out. I’ve had jobs I’ve disliked and left, I’ve changed my mind about school. I’ve switched career paths, and it looks like I’m about to do it again. I’ve done all of those things because I’ve been, you know, ALIVE, and those things just happen, whether or not you’re intentional about them, for the most part.
But — I want to be intentional. I want to admit that I have hopes and dreams, and I want to go after them. I’m sure those things will change again and again and over and over, because that’s normal and that’s okay. Overall, I just hope to be happy. And that, my friends, is cliched for a reason. Because true happiness is, I think, being able to know yourself and engage with the world around you fully, knowing yourself.
And so. That’s just about it. 
30 Days of Truth | Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for
Oh goodness, it’s been forever since I’ve been here. I’ve got excuses and reasons, and OH WORDPRESS, I’ve been cheating on you. Just a little bit. With another service that I’ve just known longer, baby, please understand!
Anyway, I’m sure those excuses and reasons will be terribly interesting in another post (or not), but for right now, I’m going to trudge along with the 30 Days of Truth prompts. …Which have turned into something more akin to the thirty weeks of truth, let’s be honest.
So.
Something you have to forgive someone for.
This is another tricky one. (Why are they all tricky?? It it just me?! IT IS, ISN’T IT??) I’ve got a few things I could choose, here, but the only real, true example I’ve got is a liiiiiittle too personal for the Internets. Sorry, dudes. So for the sake of this prompt, I’m going to take a slightly different approach:
Something you have to forgive someone for… but probably won’t, because at this point in your life, it just doesn’t really matter anymore.
…Wordy, but suitable.
My answer to this question involves a long friendship that ended relatively recently. I really trusted this girl… She was someone who understood my sky-high levels of loyalty, all of my silly personality quirks and seemed stable and conscientious and honest. And then, all of a sudden — she wasn’t. Suddenly, and over a period of about a year, she became deceitful. Hurtful. When I approached her with my gut feelings and had questions for her, she not only lied to me, but she blamed me; she made me feel terribly for suspecting her of betrayal and gave me an earful about everything she was “going through.” I felt like a heel. I beat myself up for months for being so awful and juvenile and suspicious. And after all that — I found out that I had been right all along. When I distanced myself from her, she never, ever reached out. There was no final conversation, no big blow-out. I simply gave brief, polite responses to her text messages and maybe wasn’t quite as effusive the few times I saw her in person after I’d had my suspicions confirmed.
She never even asked what was wrong. She let the friendship go, just like that.
I guess I feel like I don’t necessarily need to “forgive her,” because her presence in my life just doesn’t feel so very important right now. I had fought to keep the friendship alive for months, and I had been so hard on myself… And then, when it ended, I found that I just didn’t miss it all that much. It stunk, but… that’s all. I didn’t miss her. I realized that I had always put more effort into seeing her, staying in touch, being there than she ever did in return.
And I realized that maybe her understanding of my loyalties toward friends wasn’t exactly the same as appreciating it, or validating it. And maybe that’s why the end of this friendship felt like more of a relief than anything else: it made me look at myself as a friend, look at what I always expected myself to give in a friendship and, truthfully, what I never dared to hope I’d receive in return.
So I’ve begun to lower my expectations, and I’ve begun to put myself first in a lot of ways. …Hopefully not in any particularly selfish ways, mind you, but I’ve begun to reassess what’s healthy and what I do or don’t need to do to be a good friend. I’m still working all of that out, and I’m still learning and course-correcting, but I’m feeling better about it, overall.
And without her, I’m feeling free — free of guilt, free of judgment, and free of that terrible, acidic pall that fell over that friendship and over my life and my ability to trust for the better part of a year.
30 Days of Truth | Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for
…Seriously? Am I really only on the third prompt?? I am absolutely a super-slacker.
Anyhow.
So this is a tricky one, isn’t it? How NOT used to airing my dirty laundry on the internet am I?? I’m feeling a bit squirmy and a little “WHOA THERE, kind of close, aren’t we??” and I haven’t even started to answer the question yet. Awkward.
I think my most honest answer is sort of a vague answer, because it’s not a specific behavior or incident. I think that, very often, I don’t have a lot of love or respect for myself — but I have a lot of annoyance and anger, instead. I grew up a pretty conflicted and passionate-but-unsure kid, and I did more than a few not-awesome things as a result of that. And so I think what I really, really need to forgive myself for is just that: doing those things, being unsure. Having my head in the clouds and never really ever making a decision. I’ve only very recently learned how to focus my attention and put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak. I’ve always been susceptible to silliness and drama, and so there are a lot of things in my past that, while not immoral or tragic, are embarrassing and palm-to-forehead worthy. I need to forgive myself for those things, and I need to let them go. I feel haunted by my past every day, and how nonsensical is that? We all have to learn at some point, don’t we? At least I’ve done that.
30 Days of Truth | Day 2: Something you love about yourself
So for me, 2008 was kind of… well, really crappy. I had been feeling not-so-amazing at the end of 2007, and someone that I thought was a friend really took advantage of that. With this person’s (strong) influence, I ended up in a place where I was doing things I was not proud of. I felt trapped and afraid… I spent six months just functioning, going through the day-to-day motions with little acknowledgment or judgment or perspective. I snapped out of it as the summertime began, but unfortunately, I had been under such incredible stress for such a prolonged period that my body sort of revolted. I had a total nervous breakdown… I was so sick, and I was so off-balance. It was truly awful.
Months later, when it was finally all over, before I’d even really had time to digest the gravity of everything that had happened, I started moving full-speed toward Finding The Right Path. Something had to change, I couldn’t live my life like this anymore, what was I doing?! And so I hit the ground running, taking classes, interning at nonprofits, organizing service events, applying for AmeriCorps and Teach for America. I moved out of my parents’ house, I took in my fabulous little stray kitten. I did whatever I could to be a new person, a different person, a better person. Someone with goals and focus and respectable momentum. A respectable life.
I think it’s taken me this long to fully grasp the things that happened and the ways in which I reacted. I felt so foolish and ashamed and absolutely guilt-ridden… I moved through it all without thinking, without feeling. And I never really let that guilt or shame just go. I held onto it for nearly three years.
But then, recently — I did stop to think about it. And I realized that I’m here now; I’ve moved on and away from it, and I am truly someone new. I’ve found incredible fulfillment in working with urban youth. I’ve finally made up my mind about a graduate program, and I’ve committed and I’ve applied. I live on my own and support myself. I take good care of my pet, and I keep my house clean. I pay my bills on time, and I don’t forget to fill my prescriptions. I wash my makeup off before I go to bed. I am employed by an amazing organization with an incredibly high-functioning and fabulous management team, and I avoid workplace drama. I have integrity. I don’t gossip. I’m not even chronically late anymore. I’m actually generally pretty punctual. (I KNOW.)
So what do I love about myself? I think I’ve finally realized that the phrase “thick-headed” (a word which has long been used to describe me) is a really crappy way to describe what I actually am: resilient. I have my “down in the dumps” days like anyone — I think I have more of them than a lot of people. Ultimately, though, my spirit is strong. I have faith, and I keep moving. I trust my instincts, my gut. I have such a wry, sarcastic sense of humor — but I am an eternal optimist.
So there are a lot of things I think I do terribly, and there are a lot of ways in which I’d love to see myself change. But I’m a good person, and I believe in good things. At the end of the day, I think that’s really important, and I take comfort in it. I would absolutely say that I love it.
30 Days of Truth | Day 1: Something you hate about yourself
So… Brand new blog! Woo!
The “30 Days of Truth” project seemed like a neat thing for me to begin with… I’m a little nervous to start somewhere new, blog-style (sort of feel like the new kid in class, you know?), and I thought that maybe, my writing responses to these sorts of prompts had the potential to be way less awkward than, “Um… Soooo… Yeah. New place… Name’s Melissa. Family just moved in around the corner. I like Hanson. *NERVOUS NAIL BITING.*”
Anyway. The first question asks me to talk about something I “hate” about myself. To be honest, this is a tough one for me. I wish I could say that’s because, “I don’t think it’s worth it to bother hating things about yourself. Just be you!” and then go frolic in a meadow or join hands with other friendly folk around a campfire. But since the Kumbaya crowd isn’t really my thing… Eh. What makes it difficult is having to choose just one thing. Both having multiple things to choose from and struggling to actually pick one really suck.
I sat down to write this, and I began taking stock of my insecurities. …That was an undertaking. But the thing that keeps beating out all of my other insecurities at the moment is drama. How Jersey Shore of me, right? And how does that even make sense, Melissa? SERIOUSLY.
But that’s it: I hate how much drama I always seem to have going on, and I’ve long had the sneaking suspicion that it’s my own damn fault. I’m just not sure about the “how” or the “why” or the “let’s knock this off, now.”
I’m super-sensitive and super-intuitive, and I take everything seriously. I am a stupidly loyal friend, and I am devastated – devvvvvastated – when friends don’t match my abilities in that department (what do you mean you don’t hate that guy who gave me a dirty look? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.). I tend to be sort of all-or-nothing; it takes a lot to gain my trust, or my dedication, but once I’ve committed, I’m, well, committed. So how does this play out? I’m far too often finding myself having Really Serious Talks with friends, or in the midst of a Guy Situation that’s been lingering in a state of Tortured Nothingness for two years. Or, or, or. The list goes on.
(Clearly, a lot of capitalization was necessary for that last paragraph to convey the appropriate level of ABSURD.)
And though I make light of it, I’m sad a lot. And I’m confused a lot, and I seem to orbit solely around a world of dysfunctional relationships. It makes me incredibly tired, most days, and I’m afraid it’s contributed in a very large way to my recent hibernation. I feel trapped inside of my own head… And I really hate it.